The Mist (2007)

Title: The Mist
Director: Frank Darabont
Writer: Frank Darabont, Stephen King
Starring: Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher, Laurie Holden, Amin Joseph, Marcia Gay Harden, Toby Jones
Studio: Dimension Films






I was extremely happy with the adaptation of 1408 earlier this year and The Mist was just as well done. I've been a Stephen King fan (or an "constant reader" as King himself calls us) since I was old enough to read a full novel. I read The Mist long ago as a novella in the Skeleton Crew short story collection. I remembered the basic story, but I didn't recall the details, so seeing the movie really brought back some great memories.

The movie opens with the main character drawing a movie poster of The Gunslinger from King's Dark Tower series. That's enough to get a movie dork like me excited, but this scene is followed by another two hours of great film. The interactions between the people trapped in the grocery story as the mist envelopes the town is just amazing. The dialogue is believable and it really makes some serious comments on society and religion. A horror movie with meaning, who would have thought?

This movie offers up both cheap scares and a thought provoking story. The ending is incredible and for those of you that have read the novella, the conclusion of the film expands on the written version's ending and it doesn't leave you hanging. Special effects could have been better for a big budget film, but I'm not really complaining. The scares are still there, and the story is classic King. This is a smart horror film that will bridge the generation gap, bring your parents, they'll like it too.


Favorite Quote:

Mrs. Carmody: I'll tell you what. The day I need a friend like you, I'll just have myself a little squat and shit one out.


RATING: 8/10

P2 (2007)

Title: P2
Director: Franck Khalfoun
Writer: Franck Khalfoun, Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasse
Starring: Wes Bentley, Rachel Nichols
Studio: Summit Entertainment









From the opening title sequence this movie pulled me in. P2 is a tale of a beautiful, successful, young, single woman named Angela who is working late on Christmas Eve and is rushing to get out to spend time with her family. She works in a big building in New York City and it is closing down for the next three days for the Christmas and New Year holidays. Once she gets to her car, which of course is on Parking Level 2 (P2), she finds that it doesn't start. Frustrated, she searches for the lone security guard on duty over the holiday weekend, and asks to be let back in the building so she can wait for a taxi. The security guard is pleasant, but the viewer does notice a little something strange about him. As it turns out he has actually been stalking Angela for a long period of time and is fanatically obsessed with her. Soon Angela finds herself stuck in the parking garage with this madman with no one to help and three days until the building re-opens for business.

P2 is a genuinely creepy movie. It's an all too real story, and that makes it much more scary than any bogeyman or mythical creature. Out of all the horror movies that have the pretty young girl pull out her cell phone to call for help only to find that it doesn't work, this is the single movie that it is actually believable for that to happen. Cell phones never work in parking garages, we all know that. The only problem I had with this movie is the ending. It is by no means a bad ending, but I would have written it differently. Don't let that stop you from seeing this film, I still highly recommend it and the ending is not a let down. All in all, P2 should satisfy the non-supernatural loving horror fans. There aren't a ton of gore scenes, but when there is it's impressive stuff. I suggest you do not watch any of the scenes floating around the Internet for this movie, it will only take away from your enjoyment if you know what is coming up. In fact, you shouldn't even have read this review.


Favorite Quote:

Angela: Merry Christmas, Tom.



RATING: 8/10

The Burning (1982)

Title: The Burning
Director: Tony Maylam
Writer: Tony Maylam, Harvey Weinstein
Starring: Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, Brian Backer, Jason Alexander
Studio: Genius Entertainment








Alright boys and girls, I've found a real gem here. The Burning is the best horror film you've never heard of. It's quite surprising that this movie has flown under the radar for so long. It's a classic "Friday the Thirteenth" tale about kids being killed at a summer camp, but (dare I say it), The Burning is better than Friday the Thirteenth.

The story is about a camp counselor named Cropsy who is badly burned all over his body when some kids play a prank on him. Once he gets out of the hospital, horribly disfigured, he exacts some revenge. The killer in this film is just as fun to watch as Michael, Freddy, Jason, or Leatherface, but for some reason he doesn't have ten sequels to prove it.

This movie is interesting to me for a few reasons. It's an overlooked diamond of slasher films. It was shot in upstate New York, where I live. I am less than an hour away from the filming locations (exciting for me, not so much for you). Also, this is Jason Alexander's first feature film. Yes, that's right Jason Alexander of Seinfeld. And ladies, this movie offers up what we know you've all been waiting for... a young George Costanza's naked ass. All kidding aside The Burning is a fantastic horror experience. It contains all the horror essentials: gorgeous naked girls, a memorable killer, gore galore, and hilarious antics. This is a must own for any horror fan. I am willing to bet that none of your friends have ever seen, let alone heard of this fantastic movie.


Favorite Quote:

Dave: "Size never stopped Woody before, he's the Bantam Weight Jerk-Off Champion."



RATING: 9/10

Feast (2005)

Title: Feast
Director: John Gulager
Writers: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton
Starring: Navi Rawat, Krista Allen, Balthazar Getty, Judah Friedlander, Jenny Wade, Duane Whitaker, Josh Zuckerman, Eileen Ryan, Clu Gulager, Diane Goldner, Jason Mewes
Studio: Dimension Films








Feast tells the story of a group of people trapped in a bar and forced to fight a bunch of monsters. That's the long and short of it. There is no more, or no less to this movie.

First off let me just say this: Feast is stupid. Stupid funny, not stupid dumb. It's actually a comedy/horror that pokes fun at the whole genre, and it works. This film is hilarious. Any fan of horror will love this movie. It takes all the horror movie stereotypes and plays on them. When each character is introduced in the beginning of the film a little bio is displayed on the screen, and it even lists a "Life Expectancy." This movie at no point takes itself seriously, but the gore is there in spades and the monsters are pretty cool. This is just a fun movie to watch with friends on a rainy night. You will find yourself cracking up about every ten seconds, it never lets up with the humor. If you are looking for a break from the same old horror movie remakes and rehashes, then you will enjoy this movie.


Favorite Quote:

Beer Guy: "I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is."



RATING: 8/10

Creep (2004)

Title: Creep
Director: Christopher Smith
Writer: Christopher Smith
Starring: Franka Potente, Sean Harris, Vas Blackwood, Ken Campbell, Jeremy Sheffield, Paul Rattray, Kelly Scott, Craig Fackrell
Studio: Lions Gate








Creep is a pretty good movie, that could have been so much better. I loved the villain in this film. He's terrifying, and you get a generally creepy feeling every time he is on screen. The plot concerns a woman who finds herself trapped in a subway station after it has closed. For some reason she meets a co-worker who is also trapped (it's never explained why, I mean is it that common to be trapped in a subway?) and he tries to rape her in the empty subway train. Well, something drags him away before he has his way with her and the woman spends the rest of the film running away from this "creep" that lives in the subway. She gets some help for a homeless man who lives in the tunnels. It's curious why this man hasn't ever encountered the "creep" before if he's been living there for such a long time.

The story really lacks in details, and nothing is explained... ever. But Creep does excel in being frightening. All in all it's an OK film, but the story really should have been fleshed out more. I suggest a rental for this one. There's a good amount of gore, but nothing over the top, and nothing we haven't seen before. Not a horror classic, but a decent film none-the-less.



Favorite Quote:

Kate: "I don't know what to say. It's like a penis...just smaller."


RATING: 6/10

Flower of Flesh and Blood (1985)

Title: Flower of Flesh and Blood
Director: Hideshi Hino
Writer: Hideshi Hino
Starring: Kirara Yugao
Studio: Guinea Pig







This is one disturbing movie! Flower of Flesh and Blood is a Japanese horror flick that tells the story of a woman who is walking home alone at night and is kidnapped by one really sick motherfucker. This guy takes her back to his basement where he gives her a powerful drug that renders her in a state of semi-consciousness. The madman then proceeds to dismember her while she is still alive.

Flower of Flesh and Blood is only for those who pride themselves on never turning away from the screen during the frightening parts. This whole film (it's really only 42 minutes) is all one big frightening part. Like I said, it's not for everyone, but the gore hounds will absolutely love it. The special effects in this movie are beyond belief. In fact, when Charlie Sheen was given a copy of this movie, he went straight to the police after seeing it and reported that it was a real snuff film. This is not true however, but the director was asked to produce the actress who was killed in the film, which he of course did. He also showed how he achieved some of the amazing (read: sickening) effects in the movie, and I'm glad he did, because it made for some very interesting extras on the DVD.

The horror movies coming out of Japan have always been phenomenal. American film makers should take note, the slasher film has been done to death, take a tip from Japan and go with something original like Flower of Flesh and Blood or any other Asian horror film out there. This film is insane, I didn't move the whole time I watched it. I don't think I even blinked. This movie really sent chills down my spine, even if the killer's helmet looks like a Darth Vader mask (watch it and you'll see what I mean).



Favorite Quote:

Killer: "Now I am going to present my collection to you."


RATING: 8/10

The Shadow Walkers (2006)

Title: The Shadow Walkers
Director: Marvin Steven Grove
Writer: Dave Hodel
Starring: Jason Coviello, Jennifer Summers, Clay Adams, Cortni Mullin, Rebecca Gibel, Joseph McCambridge, Tierza Scaccia, Trygve Lode
Studio: Mostly Films







With the tag line "Pray they only kill you" I had high hopes for this movie. Alas, it falls prey to the worst acting I've ever seen in my life. That's too bad, because the story had real promise. When I read the synopsis I felt excited to see this film.

The Shadow Walkers is a highly suspenseful story of a group of lab technicians and military personnel who awaken in a subterranean laboratory with no memory of who they are. They quickly discover that they are sealed in, with only one way to get out alive. Desperate to escape, they struggle through the darkness where they uncover a hive of genetically mutated creatures that stalk them from the shadows. Bred for combat, these monsters are endowed with razor sharp talons and rows of jagged teeth capable of ripping a man apart. While avoiding danger at every turn, they begin to regain their memories, discovering the origin of the deadly creatures and the part they played in their creation.

You see? Sounds interesting, doesn't it? While the story is intriguing, the only thing scary about this film is the acting. It is hardly even watchable, let alone enjoyable. Shadow Walkers doesn't even fall into the "so bad it's good" category (which I thoroughly enjoy). Stay away from this one at all costs. Only way I would watch this movie again is if I was being subjected to some kind of bizarre torture where I was forced to watch this piece of trash because my eyelids were held open by toothpicks.


Favorite Quote:

None. Only the silence as the film ended made me smile.


RATING: .5/10