Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Title: The Gingerdead Man
Director: Charles Band
Writer: William Butler, August White
Starring: Gary Busey, Robin Sydney, Ryan Locke, Larry Cedar
Studio: Shoot Productions, Full Moon Entertainment, Talos Entertainment

Ok, before you read this review you must understand this: I love bad horror films.  The worse they are, the funnier they are and the more entertaining.  Based on that criteria The Gingerdead Man gets a 10/10.  I realize though that most people read reviews to see someone's opinion on how good a film is.  But those people must realize that good is subjective and in this case good means baaaaaaaaaaaaad.  So here goes...

The Gingerdead Man stars Gary Busey as a killer gingerbread cookie.  Now he's not even a human sized gingerbread cookie, he is a normal sized gingerbread cookie that  comes to life when Millard Findlemeyer's (Busey) ashes are mixed into a bakery's cookie mix.  But wait, there's more... Are you still reading? Ok, Findlemeyer robbed that same bakery years earlier and killed the workers and patrons except for one young girl (our heroine).  He vows revenge just before he is put to death.  So, after his ashes get mixed up into the gingerbread cookie mix and a wannabe wrestler (The Butcher Baker) who works at the bakery cuts himself and accidentally bleeds into the dough mix Findlemeyer comes to life as the killer cookie.  I'm sure it doesn't need to be said at this point, but the story is ridiculous (fantastically ridiculous) and the special effects are extremely low budget.  Most everybody will hate this movie, but if you are one of the few (like me) who searches for movies like this that are so horrible that they are great, then it doesn't get any better than this. And best of all, there is a sequel... and a third film in the works!

Favorite Quote:

Brick Fields: [after eating the gingerbread man's head] Got Milk?

Rating: 1/10 if you're an unfun prick
              10/10 if you have a sense of humor

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

5ive Girls (2006)

Title: 5ive Girls
Director: Warren P. Sonoda
Writer: Warren P. Sonoda
Starring: Ron Pearlman, Jennifer Miller, Jordan Madley, Terra Vnesa, Barbara Mamabolo, Tasha May, Amy Ciupak, Lalonde, Krysta Carter
Studio: Peace Arch Entertainment Group

5ive Girls is exactly what I expected when I first picked up the DVD case in my local Blockbuster.  It is poorly acted and mediorcrely written, but it has a few redeeming qualities.  The main attribute this film has going for it is the outstanding special effects, especially considering the low budget feel of the rest of the movie.  5ive Girls has some roll your eyes humor which I normally don't mind, but somehow in this instance it didn't work for me. 

The story deals with a Catholic girl's school that has been re-opened after a student was possesed by a demon years ago.  The five girls that are forced to attened are all considered trouble makers and some have supernatural powers.  The school is run by a drunkard priest (Pearlman) and a mean headmistress (is there any other kind?).  The students end up battling the possessed girl from the beginning of the film and eventually the demon is found to be Legion from the Bible which can jump from body to body.  Overall this is a forgettable film and is definitley only worth a rental if you are at all curious.

Favorite Quote:

Father Drake: The devil is a liar, a trickster, and a thief... but he ain't a Latin major.

RATING: 5/10

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Mist (2007)

Title: The Mist
Director: Frank Darabont
Writer: Frank Darabont, Stephen King
Starring: Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher, Laurie Holden, Amin Joseph, Marcia Gay Harden, Toby Jones
Studio: Dimension Films

I was extremely happy with the adaptation of 1408 earlier this year and The Mist was just as well done. I've been a Stephen King fan (or an "constant reader" as King himself calls us) since I was old enough to read a full novel. I read The Mist long ago as a novella in the Skeleton Crew short story collection. I remembered the basic story, but I didn't recall the details, so seeing the movie really brought back some great memories.

The movie opens with the main character drawing a movie poster of The Gunslinger from King's Dark Tower series. That's enough to get a movie dork like me excited, but this scene is followed by another two hours of great film. The interactions between the people trapped in the grocery story as the mist envelopes the town is just amazing. The dialogue is believable and it really makes some serious comments on society and religion. A horror movie with meaning, who would have thought?

This movie offers up both cheap scares and a thought provoking story. The ending is incredible and for those of you that have read the novella, the conclusion of the film expands on the written version's ending and it doesn't leave you hanging. Special effects could have been better for a big budget film, but I'm not really complaining. The scares are still there, and the story is classic King. This is a smart horror film that will bridge the generation gap, bring your parents, they'll like it too.

Favorite Quote:

Mrs. Carmody: I'll tell you what. The day I need a friend like you, I'll just have myself a little squat and shit one out.

RATING: 8/10

Saturday, November 17, 2007

P2 (2007)

Title: P2
Director: Franck Khalfoun
Writer: Franck Khalfoun, Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasse
Starring: Wes Bentley, Rachel Nichols
Studio: Summit Entertainment

From the opening title sequence this movie pulled me in. P2 is a tale of a beautiful, successful, young, single woman named Angela who is working late on Christmas Eve and is rushing to get out to spend time with her family. She works in a big building in New York City and it is closing down for the next three days for the Christmas and New Year holidays. Once she gets to her car, which of course is on Parking Level 2 (P2), she finds that it doesn't start. Frustrated, she searches for the lone security guard on duty over the holiday weekend, and asks to be let back in the building so she can wait for a taxi. The security guard is pleasant, but the viewer does notice a little something strange about him. As it turns out he has actually been stalking Angela for a long period of time and is fanatically obsessed with her. Soon Angela finds herself stuck in the parking garage with this madman with no one to help and three days until the building re-opens for business.

P2 is a genuinely creepy movie. It's an all too real story, and that makes it much more scary than any bogeyman or mythical creature. Out of all the horror movies that have the pretty young girl pull out her cell phone to call for help only to find that it doesn't work, this is the single movie that it is actually believable for that to happen. Cell phones never work in parking garages, we all know that. The only problem I had with this movie is the ending. It is by no means a bad ending, but I would have written it differently. Don't let that stop you from seeing this film, I still highly recommend it and the ending is not a let down. All in all, P2 should satisfy the non-supernatural loving horror fans. There aren't a ton of gore scenes, but when there is it's impressive stuff. I suggest you do not watch any of the scenes floating around the Internet for this movie, it will only take away from your enjoyment if you know what is coming up. In fact, you shouldn't even have read this review.

Favorite Quote:

Angela: Merry Christmas, Tom.

RATING: 8/10

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Burning (1982)

Title: The Burning
Director: Tony Maylam
Writer: Tony Maylam, Harvey Weinstein
Starring: Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, Brian Backer, Jason Alexander
Studio: Genius Entertainment

Alright boys and girls, I've found a real gem here. The Burning is the best horror film you've never heard of. It's quite surprising that this movie has flown under the radar for so long. It's a classic "Friday the Thirteenth" tale about kids being killed at a summer camp, but (dare I say it), The Burning is better than Friday the Thirteenth.

The story is about a camp counselor named Cropsy who is badly burned all over his body when some kids play a prank on him. Once he gets out of the hospital, horribly disfigured, he exacts some revenge. The killer in this film is just as fun to watch as Michael, Freddy, Jason, or Leatherface, but for some reason he doesn't have ten sequels to prove it.

This movie is interesting to me for a few reasons. It's an overlooked diamond of slasher films. It was shot in upstate New York, where I live. I am less than an hour away from the filming locations (exciting for me, not so much for you). Also, this is Jason Alexander's first feature film. Yes, that's right Jason Alexander of Seinfeld. And ladies, this movie offers up what we know you've all been waiting for... a young George Costanza's naked ass. All kidding aside The Burning is a fantastic horror experience. It contains all the horror essentials: gorgeous naked girls, a memorable killer, gore galore, and hilarious antics. This is a must own for any horror fan. I am willing to bet that none of your friends have ever seen, let alone heard of this fantastic movie.

Favorite Quote:

Dave: "Size never stopped Woody before, he's the Bantam Weight Jerk-Off Champion."

RATING: 9/10

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Feast (2005)

Title: Feast
Director: John Gulager
Writers: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton
Starring: Navi Rawat, Krista Allen, Balthazar Getty, Judah Friedlander, Jenny Wade, Duane Whitaker, Josh Zuckerman, Eileen Ryan, Clu Gulager, Diane Goldner, Jason Mewes
Studio: Dimension Films

Feast tells the story of a group of people trapped in a bar and forced to fight a bunch of monsters. That's the long and short of it. There is no more, or no less to this movie.

First off let me just say this: Feast is stupid. Stupid funny, not stupid dumb. It's actually a comedy/horror that pokes fun at the whole genre, and it works. This film is hilarious. Any fan of horror will love this movie. It takes all the horror movie stereotypes and plays on them. When each character is introduced in the beginning of the film a little bio is displayed on the screen, and it even lists a "Life Expectancy." This movie at no point takes itself seriously, but the gore is there in spades and the monsters are pretty cool. This is just a fun movie to watch with friends on a rainy night. You will find yourself cracking up about every ten seconds, it never lets up with the humor. If you are looking for a break from the same old horror movie remakes and rehashes, then you will enjoy this movie.

Favorite Quote:

Beer Guy: "I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is."

RATING: 8/10

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Creep (2004)

Title: Creep
Director: Christopher Smith
Writer: Christopher Smith
Starring: Franka Potente, Sean Harris, Vas Blackwood, Ken Campbell, Jeremy Sheffield, Paul Rattray, Kelly Scott, Craig Fackrell
Studio: Lions Gate

Creep is a pretty good movie, that could have been so much better. I loved the villain in this film. He's terrifying, and you get a generally creepy feeling every time he is on screen. The plot concerns a woman who finds herself trapped in a subway station after it has closed. For some reason she meets a co-worker who is also trapped (it's never explained why, I mean is it that common to be trapped in a subway?) and he tries to rape her in the empty subway train. Well, something drags him away before he has his way with her and the woman spends the rest of the film running away from this "creep" that lives in the subway. She gets some help for a homeless man who lives in the tunnels. It's curious why this man hasn't ever encountered the "creep" before if he's been living there for such a long time.

The story really lacks in details, and nothing is explained... ever. But Creep does excel in being frightening. All in all it's an OK film, but the story really should have been fleshed out more. I suggest a rental for this one. There's a good amount of gore, but nothing over the top, and nothing we haven't seen before. Not a horror classic, but a decent film none-the-less.

Favorite Quote:

Kate: "I don't know what to say. It's like a penis...just smaller."

RATING: 6/10